Year One of Motherhood: Notes and Encouragement

If the clock went backwards and I was about to relive my first year of motherhood all over again, I would give myself some notes. Not “here’s everything you did wrong” notes. Good notes. Almost like a series of tiny handwritten letters that started with “Open when: you’re delirious with sleep deprivation” or “Open when: you feel like you’re doing it wrong” or “Open when: you fear your heart will burst because she just said mama for the first time”. So here we go, from me, to myself.

Don’t listen to any voices that say motherhood is miserable. Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. 

On the flip side, it’s okay to say that something you love doing is also hard. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or a train wreck. It’s okay to laugh when something is unpleasant or messy or difficult. Crying is also encouraged (because dopamine after is really lovely). It’s your first time living this particular day and things can be hard AND tomorrow might be better. 

Avoid making major life decisions in the dark at 3am while pacing with the baby. Consistently interrupted sleep won’t kill you but it makes your brain coo-coo-crazy. Your husband is also allowed to be tired and say so. Without you biting his head off. You can let this time make you softer rather than sharper. 

Pick an activity that truly relaxes you. Find a new tv show to binge those first few months. Dive into a new book series that you can read when you’re awake late. Choose a few things that are just yours to enjoy. You might look back on those sentimentally when this time is over.

If someone’s passive aggressive Facebook post makes you feel like a bad mom, respectfully, ignore every word of it. Even those with nice intentions. No one knows your baby better than you. She is fed, warm, safe, and adored. You’re doing a fantastic job. You’re doing a fantastic job.

There is no maximum limit on the amount of times you can hug, snuggle, kiss, or say “I love you” to that baby. You already know this, but it’s worth repeating. That feeling of love overflowing toward a squishy human beany baby who does nothing but make messes all day is going to teach you so much about the heart of God toward YOU.

Take videos AND photos. Of her little laughs and babbles, of her smiles. Of her first bath, and first crawling and standing and mimicking what you do. Ask for photos and videos of you WITH her because you’re always behind the camera and you’ll want those one day. 

There’s always a never-ending to do list. It’s been like that with every job you’ve ever had. It’s okay. The list will always be there, so let’s manage it well and not complain about it. Choose which items you’ll cross off today and then be content with that choice, whether it was 2 to-dos or 10.

If possible (and it’s usually more possible than you think), meet up with another mama as frequently as you can. Have coffee together on the floor with the babies. Go for stroller walks around the neighborhood. It’s the MOST encouraging thing in the world to hear “oh girl, that’s so normal.” 

How you look after growing and birthing a baby is no one’s business. No one’s. They will comment on it. Frequently. In the name of “caring about your health” too. But it’s another thing you can (sometimes respectfully, sometimes not) ignore every word of. A smaller number on the scale doesn’t equal health. Loving every roll and squish of that little baby will help you look with amazement on your own body as well. Your baby does not care what her mom’s belly looks like in a swimsuit. She just loves you. Feeling strong again and having energy again are much better things to focus on because those two are game changers. Stepping outside really helps. Even just walking around. Movement is so good. You will feel so much more sane and love life a little more when you prioritize this. And your favorite jeans fit better. Win win. 

Choose your “tired”. You set the tone of the home you’re living in. Once you’ve gotten some energy back (I promise it returns), you can use that energy to react to everything that comes up or you can set up some routines ahead of time that your future self will thank you for. It’s easier to complain about living in a tornado than to build a well-oiled machine that can be a sanctuary for you and everyone else in your home.

What has saved your sanity multiple times: Putting a load of laundry in the washer while the coffee is brewing. Moving it to the dryer whenever you’re not holding the baby next. Both take less than 60 seconds. Repeat 1x per day.

Dance around the kitchen while you’re making dinner. Your baby will be absolutely captivated by you as she sits in her high chair eating Cheerios. She’ll laugh. You’ll laugh. She’ll get bananas in her hair. And your hair. And everywhere. And it’s magical.

Always let her interrupt you if you’re holding your phone. Hold it as little as possible, but when you find yourself scrolling, let her stop you. She always wants your attention. Give it freely and undistracted.

It’s really really normal to want time to yourself and then miss her the whole time you’re not with her. Go get your nails done, step out to get a coffee with a friend, or go pick up some books at the library down the street. You’re not a bad mom because you also need some time to just be a girl. She’ll be so excited to see you when you get back, but she’ll also love hanging out with her dad while you’re out.

This year is going to fly. You’re still doing a fantastic job.